When Jamie and I met it was a pretty big shock to the system to go from having one little 3-year-old boy, to now having a 2-year-old boy around as well. Especially when my son was quite a calm and gentle boy and Jamie’s was rough… he would bite and hit, break toys and throw the most insane tantrums. Trying to bring our two halves together seemed impossible at first and it was far from easy. Getting our family to the way it is now was probably one of my biggest challenges in life. The boys were just so different, and Jamie and I didn’t know each other very well either.
In the beginning I was at a total loss with what to do with Jamie’s son because he was unruly, which I wasn’t used to at all. Once I found out his only form of “discipline” was that his mothers’ boyfriend would hold him upside down by his ankles until he cried when he was naughty… then I realized that this wasn’t a straightforward case of behaviour issues, this was trauma and acting out, already at just 2. What he needed was love and a nurturing, which was made so clear the first time I took him to an indoor playground. Most kids when they get hurt, they seek out nurturing, someone to make them feel better but when he got hurt, he hid and sat by himself and cried. Eli came to tell me what had happened, and I climbed all through that playground, found him and just sat there holding him. We broke down a little barrier that day.
When it came to his behaviour, Jamie and I had to be persistent with him. No had to mean no, and there had to be consequences for his actions, like timeouts. The important part for him, was following it up with explaining why his actions were naughty and giving him hugs afterwards. After a while he began to adjust and feel comfortable with me and Eli.
I think the biggest advice I can give to blended families is establishing rules for the household, the same rules for all kids. They HAVE to be treated as equals in all areas from behaviour and discipline to rewards and gifts. Not just from parents but extended family as well… One Christmas when we were first together someone on Jamie’s side had given both the boys gifts and as they opened them, I began to notice Jamie’s son was getting a lot of toys and mine was getting clothes. I watched hoping Eli wouldn’t notice the difference than he said, “how come he got all the toys?” my heart shattered. I am all for being grateful for what you’re given trust me! And he was made to say thank-you for his gifts but at the same time I won’t allow my son to be made to feel like his value is any less than anyone else’s from the people I bring into his life, but that’s exactly how he felt, I could see it in his eyes, he felt like Jamie’s son was more worthy or more deserving or more loved in that moment than he was. So, I put my foot down, that had to change, or I wouldn’t subject my child to being around that person in the future and now it’s not like that.
The other advice I would give is it cannot be you and your kid vs them and their kid. Parents need to be a team especially when you get to 3+ kids those little buggers out number you, (I’m just joking) but you really do have to be united, back each other up and stand by one another in front of the kids, have your disagreements and discussions in private. It’s not just important for setting boundaries for kids but for your relationship as well. If they see you undermine your partner, they won’t respect them or their authority. If your child is disrespecting your partner, you have to put a stop to it and let them know that behaviour isn’t ok, they need to treat your partner the same way you’d expect them to treat you. Eli struggled with this the most, he would ignore Jamie when he’d tell him to do something or come to me hopping I’d “save” him. He was asked to apologize when he disrespected Jamie and to do what he asked him to do, showing Eli that Jamie had just as much authority as I did as his mother.
Above all else… LOVE! Love and understanding will get you further with kids (whether they are yours or not) than anything else you could do. It was a big change for everyone, but we got through the hardest times together, with love and family nights. Establishing that the 4 of us were in this together, that we were going to be a family was the hard part but is now a strong foundation that we have all grown on together.
Managing Mayhem 