OMG I’m an Author!

So its official, I’m an author! I have a physical copy of my first children’s book.

What a journey this has been so far… It all started out because my own son had always struggled with fear at bed time. So many nights he had come into my room feeling so afraid he would be shaking. So many nights we stood outside as I explained the earie sounds he was hearing, that his mind was turning into big scary things that just weren’t there. I wrote Fear… Do as I say and go away, typed it on my computer and printed it out. It was just black and white, no pictures but we sat down and read it together. A few days later I was making his breakfast when he said “Mum last night I had a really bad dream, but I just said Fear! Do as I say and go away! and I went back to sleep.” I burst into tears I was so proud of him but I was also so proud of myself and a desire grew in my heart to share this book with other children who might just discover their courage, and learn their authority over their fears as well.

What started from a mum trying to help her child has grown into hopefully a career and a new identity, I’ve always been a writer in my heart but now I can say I am a writer, with a blog, I am an author with a children’s book being published. How overwhelmed I get when I do say that, I did it! I made something of myself despite all I’ve been through, and how blessed I am to have all the beautiful people who have encouraged me, supported me, and believed in me along the way.

I AM capable, I AM worthy, I WILL be a success.

By the end of high school, I was in such a bad place I barely made it to graduation. Saying I felt like a failure and that I had accomplished nothing is an understatement. I was just grinding my way through life when someone told me “you could write a book one day and become an author” I scoffed a sarcastic “yeah… ok” back at them, rolling my eyes. I had no idea of my value or what I could be capable of.

Through my healing journey I had been learning my identity and self-worth, when someone different said they “could see me writing a children’s book” however this time I thought well maybe I can dream but still… it seemed so impossible. Years went by with this dream in the back of my mind. Then, I was helping my son with his own struggles at bedtime and being afraid when an idea began to grow in my mind.

His fear was all the unknown things that come with the darkness, like… what’s that sound or what’s that shadow. I spent so many nights with him standing in his room or outside explaining to him what was causing the sights and sounds that were tormenting him. Once he knew they were caused by harmless things like croaking frogs or wind through branches, he was no longer afraid. And so, Fear, as a character who plays these tricks was created.

I wrote “Fear… Do as I say and go away” and read it to my son, just printed text on paper, unedited, no pretty pictures, but he still loved it. A few days later he said in the morning, “mum I got scared last night and I just said fear, do as I say and go away, then I wasn’t scared anymore” words can’t explain how I felt in that moment, I was so proud of him but also so proud of myself. I felt like I had actually accomplished something and helped my son at the same time.

That dream of writing a children’s book grew into having it published and helping someone else’s child in the same way I had helped my own. Speaking that out and having faith, using positive affirmations and just believing that the impossible is possible, has to be the start of striving for your dreams, negativity produces nothing. Now… Being in the process of making that dream a reality feels so rewarding in itself. I am truly blessed to be working with my best friend, a talented artist, who has fully illustrated my book. As well as, such supportive friends and family behind me who want to see my dreams come true.

The part I am most excited about is just being able to show my sons that, it doesn’t matter how much you think you have messed up your life or if you think you’ve failed and its too late in life to achieve anything. If you have faith, and put your heart, mind and soul into your dreams, you can make them come true and it is NEVER too late. Never too late to dream, never too late to start fresh, Never too late change your life into what it always should have been.

Miracles do happen.

Only 3 months had gone by since we decided to keep trying for a baby instead of me getting a Lletz procedure and Surprise! Pregnant. This was the one for sure… after all “the fourth would be born.” I kept that pregnancy test in a zip-lock bag and wrote THE 4TH WILL BE BORN on it. Athletes visualize winning and people make vision boards of things they want to achieve, well, this was my declaration of faith, visualizing what God had said to me, keeping his promise in front of my eyes every day.

The day we went for our ultrasound and actually saw our baby and heard a heart beating for the first time in 4 pregnancies , I can’t even explain the joy I felt, but I always had that fear trying to come on me of, “what if we lost this one too”… every time I felt that way I would just chant “The 4th will be born, the 4th will be born” over and over until the fear was replaced with faith. Aside from having full 9 months of morning sickness, most of my pregnancy was fine. I had a couple little hiccups but otherwise no complications and bub was strong and healthy. Finally, After almost 3 years of trying, and all the heartbreak and disappointment. Ezran was born, whose name means, blessing from God. He is perfect, adorably chunky, happy as can be and worth every tear we shed.

Once I healed from my c-section I went back to the doctor, now ready and fully prepared to get my lletz procedure and get those issues sorted but when I went for all my tests… nothing… from high grade active cells to no active cells at all, they sent me home, no need for the procedure after all. If I had let that doctor pressure me into getting it done, Ezran would not exist and who knows if we would have ever gotten our little miracle. I trusted my gut and my God. From that suicidal girl who couldn’t see a future, to having all I ever wanted and more. Its not happily ever after and all sunshine and rainbows, it’s constantly a battle, new problems and issues arise all the time but its how you deal with them that matters. Remember… The same boiling water that softens the potato also hardens the egg. Choosing to let the little things slide and have understanding and forgiveness on the big things.

Life giving God – By Tegan Marschke

Life giving God gave to me,

A life within about to begin,

Not one, or two but three.

One came and went so fast it seemed.

The heart broke, the soul mourned, and the tears streamed.

Long awaited Two appeared.

We go to see a little heart beating, But emptiness confirms what we feared.

Pain still so strong and all of a sudden,

number 3 was in the oven.

This is the one, I know in my heart.

God bought us together and nothing will tear us apart.

But God what is this? How can it be?

For the third time, No Lord please, don’t do this to me.

Heartbreak turns to anger and O the things I said.

I’m held captive by emotions a prisoner in my own bed.

The serpent comes to whisper in my ear.

You’ve failed again and where is your God? I don’t see him here.

You should just quit, run, give up.

After all you’re no good, you just don’t measure up.

Beaten down to ground, face to the floor.

I fight to my knees, I can go no more.

But here on my knees is where I need to be.

I scream out O Lord please forgive me!.

I pray, O life giving God once more,

Please grant me Your life to the heart inside, but this time to the one at my core.

Take it all Jesus my grief in my loss,

I lay it all at your feet on the cross.

Then I hear him say to me, O daughter in you I have found,

The strength of a warrior, you won’t be kept down.

Continue to fight with me at your side,

And know I have never left you, I was there every time you cried.

Life giving God gave to me,

The greatest gifts one, two and three.

But nothing compared to setting me free.

Until we meet in Heaven…

Until we meet in heaven…

I always wanted more kids; I had told Jamie when we met, I wouldn’t be with him if he didn’t as well, but we wanted to wait until we were married this time. So, after our beautiful wedding day, we started trying right away. I found out I was pregnant the very next month. No words can explain how excited I was, finally getting all I ever wanted.

Doctors’ appointments confirmed it and the wait until my first scan seemed to take forever. The sonographer tells me that there was no heartbeat, and the sac was empty. The following days I miscarried my little dream and what people don’t understand is how absolutely soul crushing it is to think, that instead of a funeral where you can publicly mourn the loss of your baby, instead, you’re alone, in a bathroom… any trace of them just being flushed away.

The heartache was unbearable, but we moved on and began trying again, took a while but finally… pregnant again! We had made it a little further along this time but, again, same thing happened. After losing the second one, I began to get emotional every time I saw a baby down town, every baby in a movie just brought me to tears but suddenly… without even trying I was pregnant again. This time I was determined, this was the one! I was eating super healthy, being really careful to not over do anything, and we prayed, and prayed and had everyone around us praying… for protection, for a healthy baby, for a full pregnancy. We went for our ultrasound, and I wasn’t as far along as we thought, couldn’t hear a heartbeat yet but everything else looked good, and we could just see our little speck in its sac.

The weeks went on and everything was progressing well, then one day I got into a disagreement with my husbands ex. It got heated and she charged at me, grabbed my clothes and screamed in my face, spitting… “I hope your baby dies!” I shoved her back trying to get her away from me and we got in the car and went straight to the police station. When we got home, I found out she was blasting me all over Facebook saying I had attacked her, that I had punched her in the face and all sorts of things I would never do, so the fighting continued. I was so stressed that I was physically ill and threw up all night long. I was shaking and having cold sweats, in shock over the unbelievable events of the day. The next morning, I was exhausted, stayed in bed most of the day but by the afternoon, I had started to bleed. We went to the doctor, and they confirmed we were losing our third baby.

The grief I had was so powerful it took everything in me just to get out of bed to take my kids to school, and it wasn’t long before the hatred in my heart began to poison me. I was angry at her, I blamed her, convinced she was the reason I’d lost my baby. But I was most angry at my God. I prayed! Everyday! For protection, and He had failed me. I began giving into the darkness and now was having thoughts again… thoughts I had worked so hard to get rid of, like… “I just wont break at the next red light or maybe I’ll just step out into traffic” I had to fight these thoughts almost daily until I had one of them with my son in the car, that was the last straw, I refused to let my life become like this again! I dropped him at school and broke down on the side of the road, screaming to God for help, I couldn’t take it anymore. I asked Him to forgive me for the horrible things I had said and thought about Him… and about Jamie’s ex.

I went home and had a shower and a poem just started flowing in my mind, I got out of the shower and began to write it down and I heard a voice in my mind so loud and so clear saying over and over “The fourth will be born!” Something broke off me that day and I was able to function again, I still had my moments of disappointment and sadness but whenever they tried to come upon me, I would put on worship music and sing.

Almost 2 years went by and I wasn’t getting pregnant. I went to the doctor to try and find answers and was told I had 2 strains of the HPV virus that causes cervical cancer with high grade active cells and I would have to have a lletz procedure to remove some of my cervix. I explained we were trying for a baby and didn’t want to lessen my chances of getting pregnant and holding that pregnancy as I was already struggling, I also didn’t want to wait the year it would take before we could start trying again. The Doctor replied with “well you’d be risking your life if you don’t get it done, having a baby isn’t that important” I told her I’d talk to my husband and we would think about it. Every time I considered having it done, I felt sick in the stomach and so we decided to keep trying for our baby and hopefully I’d get pregnant soon and we could deal with it after the baby was born, as well as any consequences…

To be continued…

The Starwars House

Jamie and I had plans to move away for him to start a new job. It all fell through and we found ourselves without a home of our own, he was staying with his parents and I was sleeping on the couch with Eli at my parents. I was searching for somewhere to live, getting more and more stressed with every place I looked at. I was rejected so many times or missed out on places I really wanted that I began to get upset. I prayed and asked God for help in finding a house, all I wanted was a place of our own before Christmas, so Jamie and I could be together with our boys.

The next inspection I showed up for, I pulled up out front and let out a big sigh of disappointment, exhausted and down I opened the back door to get Eli out of his car seat and he says… “It’s ok mummy, we are going to get the Starwars house.” little man was obsessed with Starwars at the time so I thought, that’s cute and didn’t think much more of it. But then… every house we went to view after that we would pull up out front and he’d ask “Is this one the Starwars house?” After about the 10th time hearing this I snapped with frustration and said “Eli please stop asking me that, there is no such thing as a Starwars house.”

The next house we went to inspect, I get Eli out of the car and we walk inside and the very first bedroom was absolutely packed with Starwars collectables and memorabilia, I’m talking posters on every wall, figurines, lightsabers, you name it. I looked at Eli in disbelief and said “I think this is the Starwars house.” I applied and we got it before the week was out, moved in on December 23rd, just in time for Christmas.

Matthew 6: 25-26 in the bible says … “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothes?

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”

I got this verse tattooed on me after the Starwars house to always remind me to trust in Him, to have faith and that I am more valuable than the birds of the air, so He will provide for me, all my needs and He has never let me down.

When 4 become 1.

When Jamie and I met it was a pretty big shock to the system to go from having one little 3-year-old boy, to now having a 2-year-old boy around as well. Especially when my son was quite a calm and gentle boy and Jamie’s was rough… he would bite and hit, break toys and throw the most insane tantrums. Trying to bring our two halves together seemed impossible at first and it was far from easy. Getting our family to the way it is now was probably one of my biggest challenges in life. The boys were just so different, and Jamie and I didn’t know each other very well either.

In the beginning I was at a total loss with what to do with Jamie’s son because he was unruly, which I wasn’t used to at all. Once I found out his only form of “discipline” was that his mothers’ boyfriend would hold him upside down by his ankles until he cried when he was naughty… then I realized that this wasn’t a straightforward case of behaviour issues, this was trauma and acting out, already at just 2. What he needed was love and a nurturing, which was made so clear the first time I took him to an indoor playground. Most kids when they get hurt, they seek out nurturing, someone to make them feel better but when he got hurt, he hid and sat by himself and cried. Eli came to tell me what had happened, and I climbed all through that playground, found him and just sat there holding him. We broke down a little barrier that day.

When it came to his behaviour, Jamie and I had to be persistent with him. No had to mean no, and there had to be consequences for his actions, like timeouts. The important part for him, was following it up with explaining why his actions were naughty and giving him hugs afterwards. After a while he began to adjust and feel comfortable with me and Eli.

I think the biggest advice I can give to blended families is establishing rules for the household, the same rules for all kids. They HAVE to be treated as equals in all areas from behaviour and discipline to rewards and gifts. Not just from parents but extended family as well… One Christmas when we were first together someone on Jamie’s side had given both the boys gifts and as they opened them, I began to notice Jamie’s son was getting a lot of toys and mine was getting clothes. I watched hoping Eli wouldn’t notice the difference than he said, “how come he got all the toys?” my heart shattered. I am all for being grateful for what you’re given trust me! And he was made to say thank-you for his gifts but at the same time I won’t allow my son to be made to feel like his value is any less than anyone else’s from the people I bring into his life, but that’s exactly how he felt, I could see it in his eyes, he felt like Jamie’s son was more worthy or more deserving or more loved in that moment than he was. So, I put my foot down, that had to change, or I wouldn’t subject my child to being around that person in the future and now it’s not like that.

The other advice I would give is it cannot be you and your kid vs them and their kid. Parents need to be a team especially when you get to 3+ kids those little buggers out number you, (I’m just joking) but you really do have to be united, back each other up and stand by one another in front of the kids, have your disagreements and discussions in private. It’s not just important for setting boundaries for kids but for your relationship as well. If they see you undermine your partner, they won’t respect them or their authority. If your child is disrespecting your partner, you have to put a stop to it and let them know that behaviour isn’t ok, they need to treat your partner the same way you’d expect them to treat you. Eli struggled with this the most, he would ignore Jamie when he’d tell him to do something or come to me hopping I’d “save” him. He was asked to apologize when he disrespected Jamie and to do what he asked him to do, showing Eli that Jamie had just as much authority as I did as his mother.

Above all else… LOVE! Love and understanding will get you further with kids (whether they are yours or not) than anything else you could do. It was a big change for everyone, but we got through the hardest times together, with love and family nights. Establishing that the 4 of us were in this together, that we were going to be a family was the hard part but is now a strong foundation that we have all grown on together.

Some things are meant to be.

I got a message one night on Facebook from this random guy, Jamie, I normally wouldn’t answer but this night I did. He seemed so friendly, and we got to chatting. He was a single dad with a little boy as well, newly Christian, recently separated, just looking for some likeminded friends. He was so easy to talk to that all of a sudden, we were messaging first thing in the morning and all day until we went to sleep at night.

After a couple weeks of just texting, we took our sons on a playdate to meet and had a little chuckle at the fact both of them were named Eli. The boys got along great, and we had a lovely time. After, we headed to a café for a coffee and he was angrily messaging someone… turned out to be his ex, I thought ok he comes with some baggage but that’s ok so do I, so I understood. It wasn’t love at first sight but there was something there, I was still being careful. I wanted the one God promised to me and no one else.

He invited me out drinking for his birthday, for a single mum a night out without your kid is very rare, so I was excited. When I got to his house he was already drinking, we were having fun and he even pulled me close for our first kiss. But he was still drinking… a lot, and when the time came to go downtown, he was already drunk. Jamie lasted barely an hour before he made a fool of himself and his mate took him home. I was so annoyed, here I was trying to have some fun for the first time in forever, the guy I liked had just been a Jerk to me and I was left downtown on my own. But I was proud of myself, that I didn’t feel the need to get to that point, like I had in the past to have a good time.

The next morning, I got some very sorry messages from Jamie, he obviously had things he was still dealing with and he promised me he would never get like that again, but I told him “maybe we should just be friends” he understood but was upset about it. Kept saying “he was so disappointed in himself for messing up his chances with me.”

The following month we continued to talk and hangout but just as friends, then one morning he came along to church with me. At the end of the service, he went up for prayer like I had done 2 years before. While he was being prayed for my body began to shake all over the same as it did the first time I was prayed for, tears started to roll down my cheeks and I felt connected to him in a way that’s hard to explain. I felt like it was a sign and maybe he was the right one after all.

The days that followed I thought there’s a couple things I can tell him that will either scare him away or put my mind at ease. I told him I wanted another baby and if he didn’t, we couldn’t be together, he was fine with that and talked about how he’d love to have a little girl. So that was a good answer. Next, I said God told me of a specific man who would be my husband and that I didn’t want to be with anyone until I knew for sure it was him. He replied with, he understood and hoped that man was him. This was important to me… he made me feel supported, he didn’t make me feel like I was crazy or mock me for believing something so unbelievable.

I felt myself falling for this guy, the way he spoke to me was always so sweet and beautiful, he was fun and a good father. He was so kind to my son and it all just felt… meant to be.

On Valentine’s day he asked me to be his, and I said yes. He took me on a date to a lookout with cheese and wine, strawberries and chocolate. It was romantic and felt so right. We started our relationship and once I allowed myself to get attached to him, I fell in love very quickly.

This love was different from anything I had ever felt before, so real, so strong. A month later Jamie proposed, and I said yes despite people thinking we were crazy, and I’d like to say it was happily ever after but that’s not how life works… it takes hard work and persistence, love, trust, forgiveness and understanding. What I can say is its 5 years later and I couldn’t imagine doing life with anyone else but him.

From the poet in me.

Semicolon – by Tegan Moore -Jan 9

The darkness is cunning,

often never seen coming.

Voices discreet,

Deceit on repeat.

Are all my relationships destined to end

Family, partners, even the closest of friends.

From people I thought I couldn’t live without,

Betrayed, rejected, estranged and thrown out.

Offered my heart time and time again,

Yet loneliness and heartbreak are all that remains.

Promises of I do and always beside you,

Subsequent truth, nothing but lied to.

Yet here I am, heart in the cup of my hands,

Held together with tape, glue and rubber bands.

So many stitches and quick fixes it’s unrecognisable as what it once was,

Waiting and hoping someone still wants it with all of its flaws.

Why do I assume that makes me weak?

Tearing myself down, with the perception that my future is bleak

It’s about time that I changed my view,

I’m still holding on and standing strong,

Despite all the things I’ve been through.

I should be proud instead of discouraged,

My mind torments me, gives me no room to flourish.

But I’ll never let my life be stolen

Only way I’ll end my sentence is with a semicolon.

Set free at last.

Previous post recap:

[I had a total break down, laying on my mums’ bed, bawling my eyes out about how disappointed I was with my life, that I was never going to amount to anything, that I would never have the thing I wanted most… a family of my own with a husband who loved me.]

So… the next morning I went along to this new little church with my mother, neither of us had been there before. The people there were so lovely and welcoming that it gave me a sense of calm I hadn’t had at the other churches. I sat through it without that anger and resentment sitting just below the surface. At the end, they asked if anyone wanted prayer, I thought… why not?

The lady came over to pray for me, except she didn’t pray… she just started saying “God has seen your disappointment, he knows this is not what you wanted for your life, He holds every tear you’ve shed, but he has a great plan for you. He already knows your husband and is going to prepare you both for each other, then bring him into your life when the time is right. He is going to surround you with a family, with children and fast track your life to get you up to where you were supposed to be, and you will achieve great things for the glory of God”

When I heard this, it was like it was coming straight from someone who had been in the room with my mother and I the night before, everything I had cried about she just said, and my heart… it felt like it was being squeezed, my body felt heavy like I was covered in a quilt and was shaking all over uncontrollably. I cried right there, at the front of this church, such a deep cry like someone grieving. The moment is so hard to explain because it wasn’t something natural that was happening.

I gave my heart to the lord and vowed to follow him, this cost me some close friends and subjected me to ridicule but I didn’t care. With time and so much prayer and healing of deep wounds in my heart, I began to feel not so empty inside. I no longer wanted to end my life instead I had hope for what it could become. I went to church every week and joined their playgroup. I got out more and reconnected with an old friend, I didn’t know it then, but that friendship would become my most valuable in life. Being surrounded by such encouraging and beautiful people got me through all the hard times as well as knowing in my heart that I was never actually alone.

For 2 years I worked on myself, on being a mother and being ok with how my life was but I was always waiting. I waited for Gods promises, I believed whole heartedly they were real and that he would be faithful to fulfil them. I went on a few dates and instead of swooning over the tiniest bit of attention I was so reserved, I didn’t want anyone unless it was the one God spoke of. Until I bumped into an old friend from high school, Ben.

Ben and I had a bit of history together, some flirting here, a kiss or two there. So, when he asked me if we could catch up, it was too hard to say no. We would have so much fun together, we got along like best of friends. But he was not a Christian, didn’t even believe in God and kids were definitely not his strong suit, he was lovely to Eli but didn’t really like it if he was around, still… there was temptation to give in to what felt nice and comfortable.

Two different women I knew, on separate days, (without knowing anything about Ben) reminded me of 2 Corinthians 6:14- Do not be unequally yoked… basically getting into a relationship with someone not on the same page as me, or pursuing God in the way I was, wouldn’t go well. I took it as a sign and ended it before it even began.

I prayed for my husband every day, that God would protect him, bless him, that he’d have a good day, anything that would keep my faith strong in believing he was real, and we would be together one day, but sometimes it was hard… after two years of waiting sometimes I’d start to lose hope and when I did, I’d be reminded that Gods plans were for my good. I’d see the words “The best is yet to come everywhere” including on the mug pictured that I had received as a gift in a secret Santa gift the Christmas right before I met Jamie…