Until we meet in Heaven…

Until we meet in heaven…

I always wanted more kids; I had told Jamie when we met, I wouldn’t be with him if he didn’t as well, but we wanted to wait until we were married this time. So, after our beautiful wedding day, we started trying right away. I found out I was pregnant the very next month. No words can explain how excited I was, finally getting all I ever wanted.

Doctors’ appointments confirmed it and the wait until my first scan seemed to take forever. The sonographer tells me that there was no heartbeat, and the sac was empty. The following days I miscarried my little dream and what people don’t understand is how absolutely soul crushing it is to think, that instead of a funeral where you can publicly mourn the loss of your baby, instead, you’re alone, in a bathroom… any trace of them just being flushed away.

The heartache was unbearable, but we moved on and began trying again, took a while but finally… pregnant again! We had made it a little further along this time but, again, same thing happened. After losing the second one, I began to get emotional every time I saw a baby down town, every baby in a movie just brought me to tears but suddenly… without even trying I was pregnant again. This time I was determined, this was the one! I was eating super healthy, being really careful to not over do anything, and we prayed, and prayed and had everyone around us praying… for protection, for a healthy baby, for a full pregnancy. We went for our ultrasound, and I wasn’t as far along as we thought, couldn’t hear a heartbeat yet but everything else looked good, and we could just see our little speck in its sac.

The weeks went on and everything was progressing well, then one day I got into a disagreement with my husbands ex. It got heated and she charged at me, grabbed my clothes and screamed in my face, spitting… “I hope your baby dies!” I shoved her back trying to get her away from me and we got in the car and went straight to the police station. When we got home, I found out she was blasting me all over Facebook saying I had attacked her, that I had punched her in the face and all sorts of things I would never do, so the fighting continued. I was so stressed that I was physically ill and threw up all night long. I was shaking and having cold sweats, in shock over the unbelievable events of the day. The next morning, I was exhausted, stayed in bed most of the day but by the afternoon, I had started to bleed. We went to the doctor, and they confirmed we were losing our third baby.

The grief I had was so powerful it took everything in me just to get out of bed to take my kids to school, and it wasn’t long before the hatred in my heart began to poison me. I was angry at her, I blamed her, convinced she was the reason I’d lost my baby. But I was most angry at my God. I prayed! Everyday! For protection, and He had failed me. I began giving into the darkness and now was having thoughts again… thoughts I had worked so hard to get rid of, like… “I just wont break at the next red light or maybe I’ll just step out into traffic” I had to fight these thoughts almost daily until I had one of them with my son in the car, that was the last straw, I refused to let my life become like this again! I dropped him at school and broke down on the side of the road, screaming to God for help, I couldn’t take it anymore. I asked Him to forgive me for the horrible things I had said and thought about Him… and about Jamie’s ex.

I went home and had a shower and a poem just started flowing in my mind, I got out of the shower and began to write it down and I heard a voice in my mind so loud and so clear saying over and over “The fourth will be born!” Something broke off me that day and I was able to function again, I still had my moments of disappointment and sadness but whenever they tried to come upon me, I would put on worship music and sing.

Almost 2 years went by and I wasn’t getting pregnant. I went to the doctor to try and find answers and was told I had 2 strains of the HPV virus that causes cervical cancer with high grade active cells and I would have to have a lletz procedure to remove some of my cervix. I explained we were trying for a baby and didn’t want to lessen my chances of getting pregnant and holding that pregnancy as I was already struggling, I also didn’t want to wait the year it would take before we could start trying again. The Doctor replied with “well you’d be risking your life if you don’t get it done, having a baby isn’t that important” I told her I’d talk to my husband and we would think about it. Every time I considered having it done, I felt sick in the stomach and so we decided to keep trying for our baby and hopefully I’d get pregnant soon and we could deal with it after the baby was born, as well as any consequences…

To be continued…