Previous post recap:
[I had a total break down, laying on my mums’ bed, bawling my eyes out about how disappointed I was with my life, that I was never going to amount to anything, that I would never have the thing I wanted most… a family of my own with a husband who loved me.]
So… the next morning I went along to this new little church with my mother, neither of us had been there before. The people there were so lovely and welcoming that it gave me a sense of calm I hadn’t had at the other churches. I sat through it without that anger and resentment sitting just below the surface. At the end, they asked if anyone wanted prayer, I thought… why not?
The lady came over to pray for me, except she didn’t pray… she just started saying “God has seen your disappointment, he knows this is not what you wanted for your life, He holds every tear you’ve shed, but he has a great plan for you. He already knows your husband and is going to prepare you both for each other, then bring him into your life when the time is right. He is going to surround you with a family, with children and fast track your life to get you up to where you were supposed to be, and you will achieve great things for the glory of God”
When I heard this, it was like it was coming straight from someone who had been in the room with my mother and I the night before, everything I had cried about she just said, and my heart… it felt like it was being squeezed, my body felt heavy like I was covered in a quilt and was shaking all over uncontrollably. I cried right there, at the front of this church, such a deep cry like someone grieving. The moment is so hard to explain because it wasn’t something natural that was happening.
I gave my heart to the lord and vowed to follow him, this cost me some close friends and subjected me to ridicule but I didn’t care. With time and so much prayer and healing of deep wounds in my heart, I began to feel not so empty inside. I no longer wanted to end my life instead I had hope for what it could become. I went to church every week and joined their playgroup. I got out more and reconnected with an old friend, I didn’t know it then, but that friendship would become my most valuable in life. Being surrounded by such encouraging and beautiful people got me through all the hard times as well as knowing in my heart that I was never actually alone.
For 2 years I worked on myself, on being a mother and being ok with how my life was but I was always waiting. I waited for Gods promises, I believed whole heartedly they were real and that he would be faithful to fulfil them. I went on a few dates and instead of swooning over the tiniest bit of attention I was so reserved, I didn’t want anyone unless it was the one God spoke of. Until I bumped into an old friend from high school, Ben.
Ben and I had a bit of history together, some flirting here, a kiss or two there. So, when he asked me if we could catch up, it was too hard to say no. We would have so much fun together, we got along like best of friends. But he was not a Christian, didn’t even believe in God and kids were definitely not his strong suit, he was lovely to Eli but didn’t really like it if he was around, still… there was temptation to give in to what felt nice and comfortable.
Two different women I knew, on separate days, (without knowing anything about Ben) reminded me of 2 Corinthians 6:14- Do not be unequally yoked… basically getting into a relationship with someone not on the same page as me, or pursuing God in the way I was, wouldn’t go well. I took it as a sign and ended it before it even began.
I prayed for my husband every day, that God would protect him, bless him, that he’d have a good day, anything that would keep my faith strong in believing he was real, and we would be together one day, but sometimes it was hard… after two years of waiting sometimes I’d start to lose hope and when I did, I’d be reminded that Gods plans were for my good. I’d see the words “The best is yet to come everywhere” including on the mug pictured that I had received as a gift in a secret Santa gift the Christmas right before I met Jamie…
Managing Mayhem 